Recently I was shocked to read this headline, “YouTuber Myka Stauffer under fire for ‘rehoming’ adopted son.” I’ve heard of Myka and have watched a few of her videos chronicling her adoption journey. As another adoptive mom, I am always interested in seeing how children unite with their “forever families.” Unfortunately in this situation, we see that there are times when adoption is not forever.
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This is definitely a different kind of post for me to write. I don’t generally like to comment on decisions parents make about their children. In this case, however, I think it’s important to address some of the comments people are making about this family. These comments can affect adoptive families in general as well as other YouTube families.
The situation with the Stauffers
The Stauffers, who had three biological children at the time, decided in 2016 to adopt a special needs child from China. This child, Huxley, had profound special needs which they knew about. Myka said that she was “crushed” and her “heart stopped” when she learned about his diagnosis. Still, she and her husband (in her words) did not want to adopt a child with anything “predictable”, like “a cleft palatte.” Myka explained that when medical specialists and a social worker saw Huxley’s file, they all discouraged the family from pursuing the adoption. (You can see video clips of Myka explaining this here.)
Despite this, the family moved on with the adoption and traveled to bring Huxley home in 2017. In the meantime, according to Slate.com, their subscriber numbers doubled from 2017 to 2018, largely due to viewers’ interest in the adoption. Myka went on to be described by Parade magazine as an “advocate for international special needs adoption.”
Recently, viewers noticed that Huxley was not appearing in the family’s videos. On May 26, the Stauffers posted a video in which they explained that they had placed Huxley with a “new mommy” in a “new forever home.” They said the reason for the move is that Huxley had more medical needs than they knew or “were told.” The couple claimed that Huxley wanted this situation and was thriving in his new home.
The backlash
The backlash has been huge. Sponsors who have worked with Myka said they would no longer work with her. Some viewers started a petition demanding that all monetized content involving Huxley should be taken off the channel. (They have since removed all video of Huxley from their You Tube channel and pictures of him off their Instagram account.) Other You Tubers have made scores of videos commenting on the situation. Clearly this is a subject that needs to be addressed.
What does “rehoming” mean?
Before I get into my comments, I wanted to define some terms. The term “rehoming” according to childwelfare.gov is an “unregulated custody transfer of an adopted child.” In a pdf you can download here, it states that
“UCT, also referred to as rehoming, is different from adoption in that, by definition, it happens informally without any formal supervision by child
welfare authorities or courts. It is a practice in which parents seek new homes for their children and place them without the safeguards and
oversight of the courts, the child welfare system,or another appropriate entity that has the capacity and authority to assess and protect the child’s best interests.”
To be fair, the Stauffers did not use the term “rehoming” directly. The word has been used by others to describe their situation.
Technical adoption terms
Technically, there are two terms for failed adoptions: disruption and dissolution. A disruption occurs when a child is placed in a home, but the adoption is not yet finalized. Dissolution occurs when a child has been legally adopted by a family and the process has been finalized. In the Stauffer’s situation, their adoption was dissolved. I’m not sure what process they used to place him with another family. Just a guess they are using lawyers.
According to The Atlantic, “U.S. Department of Health and Human Services estimates that of the approximately 135,000 adoptions finalized every year in the U.S., between 1 and 5 percent of them end up being legally dissolved.” A friend of mine, who was a foster mom, told me several years ago that she was seeing a rise in adopted children who were put into the foster care system because of dissolved adoptions.
Reasons for dissolution
In some cases of dissolution,the parents have relinquished parental rights because they fear for their lives and/or the lives of their other children. I read a harrowing story on the Gladney Center for Adoption website of one family’s decision to end their adoption. Their 12 year-old adopted son had repeatedly assaulted their daughter, broke the father’s toe, and threatened the mother. They had tried to get help from multiple sources, but were out of options.
Like that family, friends of mine made the same difficult decision. They had adopted two kids from China, and six from an African country. One of the kids from Africa began to show signs that he was much older than they believed he was (they believed he was around 15 when they were told he was around 10). He began to run away and refused to come under any authority. The local sheriff offered to put the son in a holding cell for a while to “teach him a lesson.” The parents explained that this child had witnessed the atrocities of a brutal civil war. Time in a cell would do nothing for him.
The son ran away so often that the sheriff strongly advised the parents to terminate their parental rights. He told them that they would be held liable if the son committed any crimes while he was still a minor (he was a teen at the time). Needing to protect their nine other children, they agreed to terminate their rights. They stayed in touch with him as long as he agreed to it.
Dealing with special needs
Another reason for dissolution is that parents are not fully prepared to handle their child’s special needs. When you adopt a special needs child, especially from another country, you cannot be sure that you are given a fully accurate picture of your child’s needs. Most orphans are not given extensive diagnostic tests. The Stauffers said they came to their decision to end their adoption after discovering that Huxley had “a lot more special needs that we weren’t aware of and that we were not told.” However, remember how Myka’s “heart stopped” when she heard his diagnosis. As a registered nurse herself, she clearly knew enough to be very concerned.
Our own “heart stopping” diagnosis
I understand what the Stauffers are saying. Like them, we had a son with special needs that did not come to light until he was with us for a year. It is very common for kids to be misdiagnosed when they come from China. All four of our “made in China” kids were misdiagnosed in one degree or another. In our son’s situation, he was diagnosed with something he didn’t have, and wasn’t diagnosed with what he did have.
When you adopt from China, you fill out a form to indicate which special needs, if any, you are willing to take. We chose mostly physical needs. I stayed far from any brain related issues as I didn’t think I could handle raising a child with that kind of need. I already had five kids, that was a handful already.
We took our son to multiple specialists when we brought him home. All of them, including a neurologist, said that he didn’t have cerebral palsy, which was his original diagnosis. This is great, we thought, we’re in the clear. After a year, however, we could tell something else was at play. The neurologist scheduled an MRI, and we were floored at his diagnosis. He had a severe brain malformation called holoprosencephaly (that is a shortened version of his very long diagnosis).
Holoprosen… what?
With holoprosencephaly, a person’s brain does not split into two hemispheres like a normal brain. Most children with holoprosencephaly don’t make it to birth. There is a broad spectrum of effects for those who have it. One person can be in a vegetative state, while others are more highly functioning.
Our son is at the high functioning end of the spectrum, but that does not mean he is “normal.” We call him “the enigma,” and specialists agree. We have sought help from many professionals who have said they can’t help us because of his unique diagnosis. We have spent many frustrating days (and about six years) trying to figure out how best to help our son. By not giving up, we finally found a doctor who would help us. He put our son on the autistic spectrum so we could get services. (The two times he tested for autism, he fell just short of the qualifying level). Our son began receiving the same kind of therapy that Huxley was receiving.
Life is not easy
I won’t lie, life can be very difficult with our son. Progress comes in little bits, over long periods of time. At one point in time, right after we received our son’s diagnosis, I thought “I didn’t sign up for this!” But I had. As soon as I made the decision to adopt, I took on all the risks associated with it.
My takeaways
Let me first say that some people have accused the Stauffers of adopting purely for profit. Do I think that’s true? No. Do I think they were naive and foolish for not listening to the experts at the beginning of their journey? Yes. They’re obviously listening to the experts now who tell them what they should have expected from the start. Special needs usually begets more special needs. Do I think they should adopt again? NO! With all that said, here are some of my takeaways:
There are adoption You Tubers worth watching
I realize there are tons of “gotcha day” videos out there. Those are not the ones of which I speak. I’ve really only watched two adoptive family channels, but I’m sure there are more good ones out there. Here’s the two that I’ve seen:
The Braniffs from This Gathered Nest have eight children. They have adopted six of their kids in different ways: internationally (China and the Congo), domestically, and via embryo adoption. Angela hosts her own channel as well, and she and her husband run a podcast. In addition, Angela wrote a book called “Love Without Borders.”
They have a lot of content on their channel, so I definitely have not watched everything. Still, they have a unique perspective from which they can educate others on adoption.
The Felts family, who have six kids, is relatively new to YouTube. They primarily started their channel to chronicle their daughter Mika’s adoption journey from the Philippines. The family adopted a second daughter, Isabelle, from China. They are currently in the process to adopt another child from China. Mika and Isabelle both have special needs, with Isabelle having very profound issues.
The thing I appreciate the most about the family is how “real” they are. I feel like I would be good friends with the mom, Ashley. She is very relatable and honest.
It is legitimate for families to have adoption fundraisers
The Stauffers have been criticized for using their YouTube channel to raise funds for Huxley’s adoption. Some have questioned adoption fundraising in general as a way of profiting off a child.
While I’m not saying abuses can never happen, it is completely legitimate for families to ask others to help them bring their children home. The focus needs to be less on “giving the family money” and more on the “bring the child home” part. International adoption is very expensive. I’m talking in the tens of thousands of dollars kind of expensive. We were blessed to have the funds to cover our four adoptions, but support others who don’t. The Felts family that I mentioned above, has a “Go Fund Me” page for their next adoption. They are asking people to help bring their next daughter home.
If you are interested in giving to a ministry that provides grants to adoptive family, please check out Show Hope.
Ignore Disney movies and don’t “follow your heart” with adoption
Throughout Myka’s videos, she speaks a lot about her “heart” and what her heart is telling her. Her heart told her to ignore all the medical professionals and social worker who tried to paint a realistic picture of Huxley’s condition. She definitely had a Disneyfied “love conquers all” mentality.
If you are considering adopting a child, please do not let your feelings alone guide your decision making. Of course there’s a place for your feelings, but not at the expense of ignoring wise counsel or looking realistically at a situation. Know yourself and your situation. When we brought home our last two daughters, I was ready to go back. After visiting our daughters’ orphanages in China and seeing all the kids needing homes, I wanted to adopt them all. Once home however, I realized that eight kids were enough for us. I knew I could not parent well if we added any more to our family.
Please please please don’t put adoption on a bucket list
One day when I was scrolling through Pinterest, I saw a comment someone had made regarding a Chinese adoption site. The person wrote, “for my bucket list.” Wait, you’re equating adopting a child with something like skydiving? You’ve been watching too many “Gotcha day” videos!
Most people are not that extreme, but can still treat adoption a bit too glibly. When asked if they plan to grow their family, I have heard people answer, “We’ll see. We may have more kids or adopt.” Or adopt? I can say from experience that having biological children is very different from adopting children. When you have biological children, you bond with them in utero. You can control the kind of care they receive before they are born. You know the kind of medical conditions that run in the family.
When you adopt, whether it’s domestic or international, you get a whole lot of baggage that comes with your child. With international adoption, you may be given zero information regarding your child’s biological parents’ background. If you adopt from the foster care system, you may have to deal with other biological family members in your child’s life. Then you may need to help your child navigate through identity issues as they grow up.
I am a huge adoption advocate, but only when people have thoughtfully, prayerfully considered all that comes with it.
Give adoptive families the grace to gripe
No one likes to hear people complain, but please be a safe person to which adoptive families can air their troubles. There have been many times in which my husband and I have been hitting our heads against the wall in dealing with our son. We had been to the umpteeth medical expert who told us he couldn’t help us, but agreed he needed assistance.
When we’d open up to certain people about our frustrations and give examples of our son’s behaviors, we’d get shut down. People would dismiss our son’s behaviors with comments like “I do that too,” or “Oh I forget things too.” (A doctor told us our son has a working memory that functions at 1%.) Sometimes they would act as thought they had to advocate for our son to us.
As I mentioned, our son was officially diagnosed a year after he came home. When we were trying to get over the shock of our son’s diagnosis, people would say, “Well, you never know what you’ll get with biological kids either.” That was not helpful. We soon realized that we had to be very careful with who we could be real.
In conclusion
Sorry friends that this post is so long! You can see that this subject is a hot topic for me. If you are a praying person, please pray for Huxley and his adjustment to his new family. Pray for the Stauffers as they deal with the fallout and with their remaining children, who lost a brother.
I admit I hemmed and hawed before writing the headline “When adoption is not forever” because I object to the concept with every fiber of my being. As Myka herself said, “Children are not returnable.” Adoption should be forever. Let’s all do our part to educate others so the Stauffers’ situation does not repeat itself.